Save Me
by Mikin Ishida
Summary: After the deaths of his three best friends, including the love of his life, Roger contepmplates why he remains alive. With his feelings for Mark buried in his heart, will Roger leave the world and leave Mark alone or will he realize that Mark is contempla


Author Notes: I was listening to this song in my car and the idea just popped into my head…anyway this is a song-fic. Lyrics are in italics. Flashbacks are in bold italic.

**Disclaimer: Rent is not mine, all characters belong to Jonathan Larson. "Savin' Me" is not mine either. It is Nicklebacks. **

**Enjoy! **

Save Me

Roger's POV 

I'm sorry…damn it I can be so stubborn can't I? Mimi was right I don't listen to people…and Collins…he was right too, I can't see what's right in front of me. I feel so helpless, so hopeless…why can't they still be around? Fuck…I've screwed up everything now haven't I? Nice going Roger…you dumb fuck…couldn't you see he was hurting?

_Prison gates won't open up for me  
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'  
Oh, I reach for you  
Well I'm terrified of these four walls  
These iron bars can't hold my soul in_

_All I need is you_

When Mimi died he was around…if he cried or not I don't know. I never saw him. All I know is that he was there. Every time I'd hear her name I'd burst into tears like a damn baby and he was always there, holding me, comforting me, taking care of me. He looked sad, and I'm sure he was. Mimi was his friend too. It was nothing like when Collins died. I've never seen Mark so broken. He kept it all in, taking care of me and Maureen and Joanne….making sure we were alright, always there with a shoulder, or in this case, two to cry on.

_Come please I'm callin'  
And oh I scream for you  
Hurry I'm fallin'_

"_**It's not fair! Why Collins? Damn it all!" Maureen raged, throwing things, well, Marks things, all over the living room of the loft, tears streaming down her face. We'd just returned from the hospital. Our most recent visit was now our last for now. Collins was gone. **_

_**It all happened so fast. He'd gotten sick only the night before, we thought nothing of it because he'd been so healthy, he even said it was a small cold. But…a small cold is death for someone with AIDS. The doctors discovered that his HIV had turned into full blown AIDS. None of us saw the lesions on his skin…they never appeared on his neck or face…he kept the ones on his chest and arms well hidden. Looking back I guess he knew his time was soon and just gave up the fight. We all knew what his motive was. He wanted to be with Angel. **_

"_**I hate this! I hate loosing all our friends…" Maureen sobbed, standing perfectly still in the middle of the room, staring down at the floor. **_

"_**Oh Maureen…" Marks quiet voice said as he walked over to her. He took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. **_

"_**He's happy now though…he's with Angel." Mark's eyes looked so sincere and caring, you could barley tell he was hurting too. His eyes only cause more tears to Maureen's eyes as she let herself go, burying her head into Marks' s shoulder. I could hear him breath in sharply as he held her close. The sight alone brought more tears to my eyes from where I sat on the recliner, my face tear-stained and my eyes red and puffy. **_

"_**C'mon…let's sit down, you're exhausted." He mumbled, leading Maureen to the couch where Joanne was sitting, her face buried in her hands, silently crying. She looked up, feeling more weight on the couch, her eyes met Mark's. Her sobs increased. Mark gave a sad smile and reached his hand out to Joanne, who took it and held it to her face. Mark cupped her face, the sad smile still on his face. **_

"_**Mark…" she choked out, and she scooted closer to him, her head in his chest, her sobs seeming never ending. He just sat there and held them both until their tears eventually ran out and they passed out from sheer exhaustion. I sat there the entire time, watching them lean on him. **_

_**Finally, he stood up, making sure they were placed comfortably on the couch. He didn't move for a minute, just stood there watching them. By this time I'd move to my favorite spot, the windowsill. I glanced over at him, his eyes met mine for a second, then he spoke, softly, his voice sounding strained. **_

"_**Are you…ok?" **_

"_**Yeah…I will be."**_

_**He nodded and walked to his room, but something was off about him. His steps were shaky, like he would collapse at any moment. He looked so off-balance, his eyes burned with emotion, a kind of…loneliness surrounded him. His door quietly shut, but I felt I should still check on him so I jumped off the windowsill and headed to his room. I pressed my ear against the door and listened. Nothing…then I heard them. What sounded like strangled sobs. I pushed the door open and found him kneeling at his bed…well, the mattress know as his bed, his head in his arms, sobbing. The sight broke my heart, my stomach flipped. I walked slowly towards him and kneeled down beside him. **_

"_**Mark…"I mumbled, putting my arm around his shaking shoulders. His head shot up, almost startled to see me, but at that moment I knew he needed me. Unlike all the other times when he refuses comfort, or shrugs it off that he's fine, this time, his dam was broken. He has no walls holding in his emotions, his emotions were exposed, and he was completely torn apart. I pulled him to me, his head buried into my chest, his arms going around my waist, his body pulsating with sobs. I held him to me as tight as I possibly could, one arms around his shoulders, the other holding his head to me. **_

"_**Shh…It's ok…it's ok." I ran my fingers through his soft blond hair, trying to calm him. Yet the more he cried, the more tears that came to my eyes, because I realized it was not ok. Collins was gone and…I was next. So we sat there and cried together, until we had no more tears to cry and even after that our souls cried until our emotions were spent and we passed out on the mattress in each other's arms. **_

_Show me what it's like  
To be the last one standing  
And teach me wrong from right  
And I'll show you what I can be_

_Say it for me  
Say it to me  
And I'll leave this life behind me  
Say it if it's worth saving me_

I was done. Done with feeling loss…done with losing people. Which is what brought me here, the roof. Ten stories high…that was enough. One jump and it would all be over. I could leave here and not feel anymore. No more pain, no more tears. One jump and it's done. I can be with Mimi and Collins and Angel…

_Heaven's gates won't open up for me  
With these broken wings I'm fallin'  
And all I see is you_

It's been two years since Mimi died, when she left it felt as if she took my heart with her. I didn't know if I could ever love again. At that time I didn't know if I'd be alive long enough to ever fall in love again. But love wasn't something I wanted. I didn't want to love anyone else I just wanted Mimi. Yet lately it hasn't been that way, my dreams of Mimi soon faded and instead of seeing her in my dreams I began to see…Mark. Before I knew it, my best friend had become my hearts desire. I wanted to be with him more than anything but while it was what my heart wanted most, my heart wouldn't allow me to make a move or even try to show him that I loved him. Instead I kept my distance, only occasionally stealing a hug or any brush of physical contact with him that I could. Even with those it didn't seem like he was responding to any of them, so….while I love him, I know he doesn't love me.

_These city walls ain't got no love for me  
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story  
And oh I scream for you  
Come please I'm callin'  
And all I need from you  
Hurry I'm fallin'_

I scoot closer to the edge, looking over, taking a drag from my cigarette. Long way down…it was fairly quiet out tonight. The occasional car horn or screeching breaks or ambulance siren cut through the crisp afternoon air. The sun was setting a beautiful sunset. I almost felt the need to write a song…but no words came to my mind. My mind was blank except for the one idea in my head. To end it all.

"Roger?"

"Shit!" I cursed, almost losing my balance and turned around to see Mark standing there.

"You ok?" he asked, looking concerned and meek.

I nodded and jumped off the edge, back on to the roof, back on safe ground. How could I have even considered doing that to him? How could I even think about leaving him all alone…I couldn't do that to him. I love him too much to ditch him like this.

"Yeah Mark…I'm alright." I nodded as I walked past him, patting him on the shoulder as I headed towards the stairs. He didn't move though, just stood there and stared at the edge where I was perched.

"Coming?" I asked. He shook his head, snapping out of whatever trance he was in and followed behind me.

_Show me what it's like  
To be the last one standing  
And teach me wrong from right  
And I'll show you what I can be  
Say it for me  
Say it to me  
And I'll leave this life behind me  
Say it if it's worth saving me_

Later that night we sat in the living room. I was seated on the couch, plucking a few tunes on my guitar. He just sat there in the chair, scribbling down on some notebook. I assume it's another one of his screenplays. He seems inspired so I stayed quiet and let him be instead of trying to strike up a conversation. After a while his furious pencil scribbling stopped and the room was silent. He sat there, staring at what he'd written, and then he tore the page out and crumpled it up, throwing it in the trashcan. His notebook fell from his hands and onto the coffee table.

"I'm going to bed…goodnight Roger."

I looked up, his eyes looked tired, he looked sad, but it also looked as if he was contemplating something.

"You take your AZT?" he asked. I nodded.

"Sure did." I grinned a bit, proud of myself for actually remembering.

"Okay…" he looked at me, he looked straight at me, his eyes meeting mine. My heart froze. His eyes were screaming at me, trying to tell me something but I couldn't understand what.

"Goodby…night Roger."

"G'night Mark."

He disappeared into his room, my mind immediately forgot the scene with his notebook and I continued to pluck at my guitar. An hour or so passed, I glanced at the clock….half past midnight. This was early for me but I was more tired than usual so I decided to call it a night. Sighing, I put my guitar on the couch and headed to my room, flopping down onto my bed.

Hurry I'm fallin' 

It won't leave my mind. His face. Had he come any later I might have been dead and he would have had to deal with seeing my dead, crushed and broken body, probably surrounded in my own blood on the sidewalk. I'd be like sending him into an early grave. I knew his biggest fear was to be left alone. Once I'm gone who will he have? Maureen and Joanne? They're barley around as is. Why hurt him now? The longer I'm here the happier he'll be right? Even if he doesn't love me…

_And all I need is you  
Come please I'm callin'  
And oh I scream for you  
Hurry I'm fallin'_

I might have dozed off for while…but the sound of our loft door sliding open woke me up. This surprised me, normally I can sleep through anything. I sighed, feeling a little grumpy for being woken up but mostly curios as to why the hell our door was open. I crawled out of bed and peeked out my door. It was dark, the moonlight was our only light. The door was left slightly open. I stepped out, trying to be as quiet as possible but I heard and saw no one. I figured I'd better check Mark's room and make sure he was alright.

_Show me what it's like  
To be the last one standing  
And teach me wrong from right  
And I'll show you what I can be_

I opened the door, it squeaked a bit and I stuck my head in. His bed was…empty. I opened the door fully and stepped in, he was no where in sight. I searched around a bit, wondering where he could have gone but finding no answers until I looked on his dresser and found a piece of paper that was folded. Curious, I picked it up and read it.

"Sorry Rog" 

What?

Sorry?

Sorry about what?

I raced back into the living room, heading towards the trashcan where his previous writings were, crumpled up. I dug in there, pulling it out, praying there was some sort of clue to all this. What's this? Lyrics…..

"_Heaven's gates won't open up for me  
With these broken wings I'm fallin'  
And all I see is you  
These city walls ain't got no love for me  
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story  
And oh I scream for you  
Come please I'm callin'  
And all I need from you  
Hurry I'm fallin'"_

Mark…he wouldn't would he?

The roof.

Realization hit me, I stuffed the paper into my pocket and raced out the door, my bare feet running up the metal stairs to the roof.

Fuck…you'd better still be there.

_Say it for me  
Say it to me  
And I'll leave this life behind me  
Say it if it's worth saving me_

Hurry I'm fallin' 

I burst onto the roof, searching, my eyes scanning the area, then I spotted him, perched on the same spot I was hours ago, staring at the ground. He looked lost and lonely, almost untouchable and yet he looked like he longed to be held.

"Mark!" I shouted, the night wind hitting my face. His head spun around, his eyes catching mine in an instant. Blue eyes were filled with pain and yearning…but for what? Tears streamed down his face.

I approached him slowly, not wanting to scare him. Fuck he was on the edge.

"Mark come down from there…please, come here and talk to me."

"No…fuck you weren't supposed to…" he mumbled, half talking to me, half to himself. His eyes went from me to the ground, furiously, as if deciding what to do.

"Come here…"

"No! Just go away….let me do this."

"How can you expect me to just let you die? That's stupid Mark…I'm not letting you do that. Now come here."

"No…I can't."

"You can't? Why not? What's wrong Mark?"

"You don't get it….you wouldn't get it."

"Try me."

"No just leave! I have to…I can't….I don't want to see…"

"See what?" I stepped closer to him, slowly.

"I can't take it. No more, I don't want to be the witness anymore."

"The witness?"

"I can't do this anymore I'm sorry."

"Mark…"

"It's not fair, I'm tired of it."

He scooted closer, one foot over the edge.

"Mark don't…"

"Bye Rog…" he began to lean over but I ran grabbed his hand, steadying him to the edge.

"Fuck no am I letting you do this. Tell me why? What can't you watch? Fuck, talk to me!"

He looked stunned, his face tear-stained and sad.

"Just let me go!" he screamed, trying to pull away from me but I wouldn't let him.

"No Mark!"

"I can't watch you die!"

…

What?

"There! Happy now?" he said, his voice choked with tears.

Now I was stunned. And it dawned on me. Four friends….all with AIDS. Three of them are gone, one remains. Me. His best friend. But I'll have to leave him won't I?

Shit.

Mark's witnessed the deaths of three of his best friends….one more and he'll be alone.

Who would want to live with that thought in the back of your mind?

"Come here." I pulled him, harder this time until he finally came of the edge and was standing before me. I pulled him to me, embracing him, my own tears coming to my eyes.

"I'm sorry…." I mumbled. His body was stiff for a moment, then he relaxed and his arms were around my waist.

"Roger…"

"No…I'm sorry. Please don't do this Mark. I know its hard but please."

"You don't get it Rog…"

"Yes I do!" I said, pulling away and looking into his eyes. "I know because I was up there a few hours ago wanting to do the same thing."

"…Roger?"

"Yeah I know. Stupid, selfish me. I wanted to escape and leave all of this behind. I didn't want to witness another death either so I figured I'd take my own. But I realized what I'd do to you…I'd only be doing to you what I wanted to escape seeing. I can't do that to you."

More tears came to his eyes.

"So when I came out here earlier you…?"

I nodded, smiling a bit.

"You saved me….I was about to jump."

"Roger…" he looked guilty. "I'm sorry….I just…I don't want to loose anyone else and be alone. I can't take watching you every day and thinking that there was so much else I wanted to do and say to you…so much I didn't want to be unfinished but I was too afraid to admit everything. I figured I'd take the cowards way out."

"Too afraid? Mark these lyrics you wrote…" I said, pulling them out of my pocket. "They're amazing…I never knew you had it in you to write these kind of lyrics.."

"I'm glad you like them…" he said, sheepishly.

"Who are you screaming for? Mark who do you need?"

He looked hesitant to answer. His eyes shifting around, looking scared, but finally his eyes softened.

"You Roger…"

My heart leapt. Me? He needs me?

"Mark I…"

"I've always needed you…."

"You…"

"But I knew there was no way in hell that you…"

No more. No more of him doubting anything. I love him, he needs to know that.

"Mark shut up."

"What?" He had no time to ponder that as I leaned down and pressed my lips to his. His lips were cold but they were soft as they slowly relaxed and he kissed back. After a moment I pulled back.

"Roger…"

"I love you. More than you know and I'm sorry it took me this long to tell you."

"I love you too."

"Please…I know it's hard to think about the future but…can't we just live? For now? No day but today right? I'm not leaving for a while Mark but as long as I'm here I want to be here with you. Can we try this?"

He looked to the ground, and then up at me, tears in his eyes, threatening to fall.

"I just don't want to loose you."

"You won't ever lose me. But physically I'll be gone one day…and when I do I know you'll be sad…but you'll be ok. I'll make sure of that."

He nodded, tears streaming out of his eyes.

"No day but today." He mumbled, walking into my arms and crying into my chest. "But until that day comes just hold me Roger…make me forget this pain."

I could only nod and kiss the top of his head as I held him.

"We can help each other with that."

"Thank you…for saving me." He mumbled.

"How could I not? Let's go to bed Mark…it's cold here." Now it dawns on me that I didn't even have a jacket. He nodded and we walked down the stairs back to my room, where we slept curled in each others arms, we stayed that way until past noon the next day. We were happy for now, and for now, that's all that matters.

_Say it for me  
Say it to me  
And I'll leave this life behind me  
Say it if it's worth saving me_

**Author Notes: Well? How was it? Let me know! I'll be updating my other stories within the next two days for I have work off!**


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